How It Feels To Relive Depression:

October 2021 (date unknown)

By: Sheryl Elena Rojas Cooper

It is the feeling of the return of a dark chaos, knocking at your mental and emotional door politely but forcing its way in afterwards. And once it comes in, it tears apart the things you have intricately put in place for the sake of order and peace. You beg for this chaos to stop, but this begging only causes it to become more frantic in its destruction as it consumes everything you have built up within yourself and your life including you. You look into its eyes and ask why, and it responds with a wave of answers that is so great that the origin of it will remain forever unknown. This wave, black and cold, consumes you and your reality throwing you into your bed where you feel as if you can never leave without a struggle against all odds.

The world becomes heavier, and every word from another seems distance and cold. Whether someone is mean to you or not matters very little anymore, for it all is the same. Everything around you screams of its nihilistic pointlessness and you become hyper aware of how alone not just you but everyone else is in the universe. Then, looking around you, you cannot help but wonder why they don’t ever think the same thoughts or feel the same type of sadness and loneliness you do when you confront the reality of life. How can they be self aware, yet so oblivious to the potential pointlessness to their own existence?

These thoughts follow you, along with many others from day in to day out. The acceptance that one day, everyone you love will be gone regardless if they live willingly or not pummels you alongside many other waves that seem to hit you from behind. And like the bully that kids the weak child when down, the idea that none of it will ever matter comes as a blow to the heart instead of the stomach. This blow, sends you sinking deep into an ocean of thoughts and solidarity as you accept this desolation and loneliness as the true reality of the world. You feel yourself overwhelmed and drowning within your own thoughts, so you write your thoughts out on paper to dry. Your writings become as abundant as the air, because it seems like there is no amount of writing that will every lighten the pressure of water on you. All the while, everything around you operates as normal; but this time, it’s at a slower, sadder, and lonelier pace. 

As you go through your day, you usually remain silent about what going on internally lest you disrupt the outward peace around you and your thoughts flood the room drowning everyone else. Sometimes though, you let a little slip in hopes that someone can dive and help you swim to the top of your limitless thoughts. Alas! No one can live within the ocean you do except for yourself. Therefore, you can hear them calling to you, you can hear their advice, but they cannot pull you out. This is something you must figure out how to do on your own,

Over time, if you cannot escape this ocean, you learn to live in it. Besides, why fix what’s not broken? If you’re writing pulls in enough fame, and you thrive enough from the undying sad passion that excretes from every tear in your being, then why change? Why dry up your lake of tears when they give life a different, passionate, version of success? These thoughts run through your ears as you contemplate all other thoughts and the idea of freedom. Perhaps, there is an escape?

Reliving depression is reliving the moment of ones drowning perpetually within ones mind. It is the feeling of being trapped in a dark cold abyss, with nothing but echoes in the distance to both help and harm you. It is to experience constant thoughts of low self esteem, pain, insecurity, and nihilism, with very little bits of light or positivity to bring a smile and to bring you off of your feet. It is to experience a perpetual heaviness and fogginess of the mind, heart, and body as the days move slow but turn into a strange haze. And the strangest part is, is that there is no escape to this place without some drug. The only cure is time, and a perpetual battle in hopes that it doesn’t overtake you during the fight. This, is what it is to relive depression.